The Roman Empire vs The Soviet Union
by England's Porn Box
Summary: The Roman Empire, the strongest mafia in Western Europe, has finally found an ally that could defeat their rival mafia - The Soviet Union - for good.  But their ally's brother is captured by The Soviet Union... not good.  Possible light yaoi later?


**A/N: First off, thanks for looking at my story~!**

**Anyway, I feel the need to warn you that this as very, very little historical accuracy... it's just something that hit me one day.**

**And a big thanks to Beyond Unique Light for helping me with some stuff for this story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any characters used :(**

**Germany's POV**

_**Ze time vas Vorld Var 1.**_

_I'm supposed to be fighting a descendant of Rome right now, but so far, no such luck._

"How veird…" I said out loud. "Ve crossed that border vith no problem, didn't we Herr Schtick? I'm so sorry I didn't share any of my liver vurst with you! Ze invasion was going so vell I forgot about feeding mein sticky friend!"

I continued walking. "You're right, I shouldn't let me guard down; it's him ve're talking about him, he must have some sort of plan."

After a few more steps I looked up… and saw a very curious crate in a clearing. I stared at it for a moment. On the box on large, red letters was the word "Tomatoes". After another few seconds on staring I approached the wooden crate curiously.

"Veird… vhy would someone leave these tomatoe-" I began, but was cut off when the box jumped after I gently tapped it with Herr Schtick.

"H-Hello to you!" the box greeted. "I am the box of tomatoes fairy! I come in peace, let us be friends and play with each other!"

"I think someone's inside!" I announced before bracing to take the lid off.

"N-no no, there's no one inside, please do not open the box!" the so-called "tomato fairy" insisted.

I started trying to pry the lid off, but to no avail. "Verdamnt, this is heavy!"

"What are you doing what is the point in trying to see the box of tomatoes fairy!" the thing inside the box cried. I strained and pulled with all my might until the lid finally came off and broke.

"Ah! I'm so sorry, you were right, I am not a box of tomatoes fairy at all! It was all lies, lies, LIES!" the brunette man who popped out cried. "Please don't shoot me I'm too young to die well I won't die but I just want to live but not in a life that's full of misery and blood! Please I'll do anything! Well I mean within reason, but… I DON'T WANT TO DIIIIIE!"

His final cry echoed for a moment before he started pleading again.

"I mean seriously I'm a virgin where do you think they get virgin olive oil? I know you don't want to shoot the virgin! We're pathetic enough as it is! I apologize for the lie in the box, but I really am a good Italy!"

I tuned out his ranting and sighed, allowing myself to consider my options.

_Is zis ze guy I'm supposed to be fighting? I heard I might find that he's a descendant of the great Rome, but… _I grimaced and picked up the boy by the back of his shirt collar who was still pleading desperately. _Ugh, there's no vay zis little brat could be ze same enemy… I vonder who he really is?_

He was bawling by this time, which was getting on my nerves.

"Let me ask you a question," I demanded. "You wouldn't by chance be related to ze great Rome, would you?"

His crying stopped for a moment and he smiled. "Oh, wait, you're telling me you know Grandpa Rome? Fantastico! Especially for this poor pizza and pasta lover! You had me completely fooled I thought you were really mean and scary! So we can be friends?"

_Vat kind of a joke is zis? _I thought to myself before it dawned on me. I immediately all but threw the boy down and backed away. _Mein Gott, this is a trap! He's pretending to be harmless in an attempt to catch me off guard! Sneaky bastard!_

Unfortunately for me, I was right. Also unfortunately, I was too late to act when I saw the boy's harmless act end abruptly. His eyes opened to reveal cruel, golden spheres and his lips curved up into a smirk. He motioned to something behind me and the next thing I knew I was knocked unconscious.

**3****RD**** PERSON POV**

"Dude, you actually got Germany?" America exclaimed upon seeing the Italian brothers drag in an unconscious German.

"No, we're just dragging him in for fun," Feliciano replied sourly.

"He was all too gullible," Romano scoffed. "By the time he finally realized what was going on I had already moved in."

"Man, that's awesome!" America exclaimed. "So… how do we convince him to join us?"

"I know how," England proclaimed upon walking into the room. "We simply force him."

"Forcing people isn't a great way to make allies…" America mumbled.

"Well we don't really have much a choice, now do we?" England snapped.

"Right England, let's force him," Romano agreed. He nodded to his younger brother and they put the blonde German man into a chair before binding him to it.

"So… when do you think he'll wake up?" America wondered out loud. Suddenly, a groan was heard as, right on cue, he woke up.

"Hm… vhat… vhat the… vhere the hell am I?" he yelled, frantically trying to break the rope. Feliciano and Romano laughed.

"Hello, Germany," Romano greeted in a cold voice.

"Welcome to headquarters. Now, before you ask who we are and what we want and those pointless questions that will just get you killed…" Feliciano began before pulling out his pistol and shining it with his shirt. "Allow us to explain."

"You may have heard of us," Romano continued. "I mean, you _are _the last country to avoid our capture… how could you not know of us?"

Before Germany could reply, there was a thud on the roof. After a moment, a short black-haired Asian man swung through the window.

"I have returned from their base," he said quietly. Feliciano smirked before putting his pistol back into his jacket.

"Good work, Japan. Did you find out what we needed?"

"Hai, I did. It seems they're planning to target Germany next… oh, who is this?" he asked, motioning to said Germany.

"Ah, this is Germany… I guess we got to him just in time, eh Fratello?" Romano said with a smirk, elbowing his brother in the arm slightly.

"Yeah, we did. Good thing, too… if Russia had gotten him, I'm not sure how much longer we would've help up."

"Whoa, wait, do they know that we have him now?" America demanded.

"How could they? If they're looking to target him, then they wouldn't know we have him, git!" England yelled.

"Would you two stop releasing sexual tensions long enough for us to get something done?" an angry Frenchmen insisted, entering the room with a few rolled up pieces of paper in his hands. He handed them to Feliciano, who looked over them and smirked.

"Gentlemen, Russia has a new ally."

Germany coughed.

Everyone faced him.

"Who is this guy?" France asked.

"I suppose we should give formal introductions," England decided. "France, Japan, this is our newest ally – unless he decides not to cooperate and die – Germany."

"Ah, so Feliciano finally managed to capture him?" Japan observed. The Italian man's eyes narrowed.

"Yes. Now. Everything is happening at once, so let's sort our news, shall we?" he said. "I'll finish explaining things to Mr. Germany here, then you all can proceed with your findings."

Everyone nodded, not really having much of a choice about whether or not to listen.

"As we were saying, Germany…" Romano sighed.

"We're the Roman Empire… though that's quite an old name. We're in the process of thinking of a new one, especially since we're the only ones actually related to Rome," Feliciano explained.

Germany looked slightly confused. "I've heard that before…"

"Of course you have!" Romano spat. "We're the greatest fucking mafia of western Europe!"

"Potty mouth, Fratello," Feliciano said in a mock-scolding voice. "Now, I feel the need to introduce ourselves and everyone else."

Germany stiffened as his chin was grabbed roughly by the Italian man's gloves hands. He forced their eyes to meet – blue to deep, cruel gold. For the first time Germany also noticed a small brown curl going off to the right side of his face, which had been mostly hidden under his fedora until then.

"I am Feliciano, also known as North Italy. My brother is Romano or South Italy. You answer to us and listen or we feed you to Russia," he said darkly. After another moment of forced eye contact, the blonde's face was released. Feliciano looked at the others, inviting them to introduce themselves.

"America, also known as The Hero!" the obnoxious blonde exclaimed. "I'm a main fighter, also known as a gangster, or just the one that does all the initial killing and dirty work."

"England, a pleasure," the much less annoying blonde said. "I'm also a main fighter."

"I am France," the obviously Frenchmen introduced. "I act as an intelligence gatherer and interrogator. Or I can be anything else Italy needs me to be."

"I am Japan," the Asian man greeted. "I am a spy and sniper when necessary."

"And you," Romano said, looking at Germany, "will be a main fighter and a spy. We've heard about your country's amazing military abilities; we think you could be an excellent addition to our little team."

"Vhy the hell vould I vant to join your damn mafia?" Germany demanded.

"Well, for once thing, you don't have much of a choice…" Feliciano pointed out, once again taking out his pistol and twirling it in his hand.

The now angry German growled. "I don't care what you do to me; I refuse to join some stupid mafia!"

Everyone in the room started laughing loudly.

"Don't you get it?" Feliciano yelled, once again forcefully grabbing his chin. "This is _war, _Germany! You can't stay out of it! It's either stay here and be treated well or leave beaten if not dead and be picked up by Russia and treated worse!"

"I don't even know vhat var you're talking about! And vhat's so bad about this Russia guy you're talking about?" Germany insisted.

"Russia is the worst sort of… _thing _you've ever imagined," Romano said quietly. "Surely you know of all those massacres that have been happening recently?"

Germany nodded.

"Those were all him," Feliciano said. "He massacred all the countries that refused to join him. He used to only stick to the most major cities, but recently he's been trying to wipe out the whole population. The last ones he got were Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia. Lithuania was nearly completely slaughtered, and the other two joined after they saw what happened to their friend."

Germany's eyes widened. Even he, the country who had started wars, was appalled.

"And… what really happened to Lithuania was never confirmed," Romano continued. "He lived, but Russia took him back to his place, and… well, some say Lithuania was tortured to death, but we know he's still alive. That means he's still being tortured."

"Some of Russia's torture methods are normal… but some are worse than you could imagine. He especially loves ones that involve burning chemicals and sharp objects."

"Japan, what did you say you saw in his room that one time you went?"

"Werr, the worst of it that I got to see in my short time there was the breach. He wourd make his victim drink it, then before they died, force them to spit it up. If he wants them to die he repeats this over and over untir the acid in the breach eats their insides."

"So, basically," Feliciano said slightly sadly. "You stay here and get treated like a human, or let Russia have you."

It only took another moment for Germany to realize that he really didn't have a choice. "Alright, I'll join you. But you better keep that promise to treat me as a human."

"Do not worry, _mon cher_, they will keep true to that," France promised. "We've all been well-treated, unless we misbehave, of course."

"Yeah, just don't mess up and you won't die!" America exclaimed.

"Oh, one more thing, Germany…" Romano said. "Russia's last massacre was your brother, Prussia."

**A/N: Warning: this author takes like freaking forever to update.**

**(so please don't get mad)**

**Also... any team name ideas?**


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